The Grapevine Elves and the Bogwart Trash

by Roy E. Moxley

Ella and her two brothers, Aaron and Ashton, were having a great day. Their Uncle Doug and Aunt Jesse were visiting from Chicago. Doug was great at pushing them on the swing in the back yard (even though they were quite big enough to swing themselves, it’s always nice to have someone push you). “Let’s go to the school playground,” the three shouted in unison. They didn’t shout too loud, ‘cause their youngest brother and sister, Preston and Livia, were taking an afternoon nap. They looked over at their mom, who was talking to Aunt Jesse. “OK,” she said, “but you hold Doug’s hand and be careful crossing the street.”
Ella thought she was old enough to know how to cross the street by herself, but the chance to have Uncle Doug push them on the big swings was worth the aggravation. He gave “under dogs” almost as well as Grandpa. They walked through the alley, down the sidewalk and across to the school playground. When they got there they just stood in shock. The grass at the schoolyard was covered in pizza boxes, soda cans, candy wrappers and potato chip bags. Just looking at it put them in no mood for playing. Doug and Ella tried to make the best of it and pretended to be cheerful while picking up what trash they could but the mess was everywhere. “If we knew who did it and could catch them maybe we could do something,” said Doug, “but I guess we’ll just have to come back tomorrow and clean up some more.”
It was a sadder group that headed back to the house. No “under dogs”, no jungle-jim races, no real fun in a trashed park. “Jake and Julie Elf could figure out a way to help,” said Ella as she trudged along. “They always know what to do.”
Doug knew a little bit about Jake and Julie from some stories he had heard but he figured he needed to come up with a “grownup” thing to say. “I’m sure they could help if the trash was on their side of the grapevine, but in the real world I don’t know what they could do.” “Oops,” he thought, “I said real world like Jake and Julie weren’t real. I hope Ella didn’t catch that.”
Ella caught everything but kept it to herself. She knew that sometimes there was just no talking to big folk about the way things really were. After a dinner with a lot of talk about, “someone should do something,” Ella and Aaron and Ashton were sitting by the grapevine while Mom, Dad, Doug and Jesse played with the little kids. The summer sun was still pretty high in the sky so it was nice to just enjoy the cool shade in the very back of the yard while munching on a grape or two. “Trade some raspberries for grapes?” came a voice from the other side of the grapevine as a hand filled with plump berries reached through.
“Jake!!” exclaimed Ella, “we could really use your help.” The three children crowded by the vine and related what they had found at the park.
“Bogworts,” said Julie simply when the sad tale was done.
“What are Bogworts?” asked Aaron, who really wanted to know about pretty much everything about anything.
“Bogworts,” answered Ella, “I should have guessed. But can they get to our side of the grapevine?” Ella had seen these brutes on one of her trips to the other side but Aaron wasn’t as well or frequently traveled.
“But what are Bogworts?” repeated Aaron, who didn’t give up easily.
Ella could picture in her mind the brutish look and terrible manners of the Bogworts she had seen but couldn’t begin to describe them. “You’ll just have to see them to understand,” she said, but turning back to the grapevine, and Jake and Julie, she asked, “So what do we do about them?”
“Bogworts can come in all sorts of shapes,” said Julie with a sad little shake of her head, “even people shapes.”
“Especially people shapes,” added Jake. “You’ll need to know some more about them before you can do something about the mess they make.”
Julie let out a little giggle, “Like our first adventure with Bogworts,” she said, “We weren’t as experienced then and it happened like this…”

Jake and Julie were still a little young to be away from their village for very long, or at least the ‘older’ elves thought so. To a fully grown elf, anyone less than about a thousand years old is just a young pup who should be kept on a very short leash. Anyway, Jake and Julie had been out exploring around the elf village when they heard lots of shouting and clamoring from back at home. They ran back as quick as they could, but when they got there the damage had been done. A huge Bogwort army had marched right through the village and made a terrible mess. They must have come awfully fast or the elves would have had time to distract them away. As it was the elves in the village had made sure that the Bogworts didn’t recognize that they had gone through a village at all. Using some Elf magic they made it look more or less like just another area of big oak trees in the forest. What they couldn’t disguise by magic they just made inconspicuous. Even so the Bogworts had made a terrible mess of things.
From the looks of the village, it appeared that a sudden storm had passed through. Instead of rain, though, it had dropped trash. There were candy wrappers, beer bottles, cigarette butts, and every other type of general litter you’ve ever seen. It was scattered all over the clearings of the village. “What a mess!!” said Jake with a shake of his head.
“It looks like someplace a bunch of people would live,” Julie shuddered. That was just about the ultimate insult to an elf. But that wasn’t the worst of it. There were a bunch of the village elders standing in a group by the side of the village. When Jake and Julie went over to see what they were talking about they realized with horror what had happened. When the Bogworts had gone through the village they had taken the flowering ferns that were the source of the elves' magic.
“Wait a second,” Aaron interrupted, “ferns don’t have flowers. They grow from a spore, that’s what makes them ferns.” He’d learned a lot from plant books his mom read to him.
“Don’t interrupt the story,” reproved Julie. “Your ferns don’t have flowers because they aren’t magic. Can we go on now?”
Properly mortified he nodded and Jake went on with the story.
The magic ferns had been cut off right at ground level. Every last one of them was gone. Jake could hardly comprehend the loss this meant. The magic ferns were what gave all the elves in the village their magic. The elders stood silently in a ring around where the beautiful plants had once stood. Jake and Julie were only a little smaller than the elves in the ring but they clearly felt outside any consultation from their elders. “They took all of them,” said one. “I saw the Bogworts put them in a big chest,” said another. “There’s nothing to be done now but wait,” said the chief of the village elders. The others nodded in agreement and one of them added, “In the meantime we had better all get to work cleaning up.”
Jake and Julie knew what that meant for them. The day's work went from hard to downright dreary. Without magic to help them make the work fun the time dragged until it just about stood still. By the time the sun was setting it was two very tired elves that went to their beds. Of course the beds were in a very clean elf village.
Even before the sun was up in the morning, Jake was at the edge of the village where the Bogworts had left. He was looking down at the tracks left behind. Tracking Bogworts was about as difficult as tracking a train. They trampled and left trash wherever they went. Julie came up behind him and said, “Boo!!” Of course Jake had heard her so he didn’t jump. She gave a little frown and came around next to him to stare down at the tracks.
“I hate waiting,” said Jake with a sullen voice, “especially when I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.”
Julie nodded in agreement. “You know,” she said, “instead of waiting for whatever is going to happen, we could always go and take those fern flowers back from the Bogworts.” She looked into Jake’s eyes and saw the little twinkle that meant trouble. “Of course without elf magic it would be somewhat foolish to even try such a thing.”
Jake had a smile just touching the corners of his mouth when he replied, “The elders always say we’re foolish. I think it would disappoint them if we didn’t do foolish things every now and then.”
Julie replied in a grave tone, “We’ve always been told not to disappoint our elders.”
“There’s only one thing to do then,” said Jake, “and we’d better do it fast before this trail gets any older.” The two of them always had their elf equipment with them, so they immediately headed after the Bogworts.
A Bogwort army travels with all the speed of a sea slug, at least under normal circumstances. Jake and Julie knew, however, that for some reason they were able to surprise the village. Because running into a Bogwort army is considered bad luck, the two elves ran through the tree branches that intertwined to form a highway. Bogworts have just about no tree climbing ability, so they just about never seem to look up into the trees. The army Jake and Julie followed was no exception. The trail of gum wrappers, soda bottles, and other trash picked up just outside the village and ran like an arrow to the Bogworts. Jake and Julie were disgusted. Someone would have to pick all this stuff up.
It was just a little before nightfall when they caught up to the trashed out clearing the Bogworts called a campsite. There were Bogworts all over the place. All of them appeared to be trying to look like they were working. Some were walking around picking up a few sticks for a fire. Some of them were pulling cans of beans and boxes of Twinkies out of packs to prepare their supper. Julie didn’t even want to think about what kind of meal you would make out of beans and Twinkies. The two elves decided to scout around the camp for a bit, before they tried to do anything.
A couple of very talkative Bogworts was at the edge of the clearing picking up some pitifully small sticks. The taller one was saying, “...a total waste of time if you ask me. So what if the general wants to get a gold medal in the race to see which army can get to Flat Mountain and back first. I don’t know which he wants more, to beat General Pudding’s third army or to get the gold. What do you think Grugg?”
“I don’t care,” Grugg replied. “My feet hurt, my back hurts, and worst of all I’m all out of grape soda. It’s just the general who gets the gold anyway. Who cares about beating General Pudding, it’s the gold that matters the most. In fact when it comes to gold, nothing else matters, especially not to General Porker.”
“Good grief,” whispered Jake. “They managed to wreak our village because of a stupid race. But how do we get the magic ferns back?”
“Shhh,” replied Julie, “I’ve got an idea, but let’s listen some more.”
Grugg was talking as he kicked at a promising stick, “What I’d like to know is what General Porker wanted to chop those stupid flowers for. Who cares if he’s never seen a fern with flowers before? He said something about new stuff like that, should be worth some gold from the king. I don’t think that makes sense though.” He had a little pause as he sniffed the air, “Say you don’t suppose they’re cooking beans and Twinkies do you Snick? That’s one of my favorites.”
Julie had thought a big cow with digestive trouble was in the area, but when Snick replied she assumed she was mistaken. “Oh yeah,” he said, “I can smell it now. Isn’t that great? Let’s get over there before someone has a chance to snitch all the Twinkie chunks out of the beans, they’re my favorite part.”
Jake had to hold his mouth to keep from gagging as the two Bogworts ran back to the camp. “What do you think?” he asked Julie, when he thought he could remove his hand safely, “Can you think of a plan to get the magic ferns back?”
Julie was getting a big grin. Jake caught the twinkle in her eye and knew that she had a plan. “It’s not enough to just get the fern flowers back,” she said. “I think that these Bogworts need to clean up the mess they’ve been making in the forest, and I think I know how we can get them to do it.”
The plan certainly had everything in it that Jake liked. It was tricky, daring, fun, and had a good chance of working. That was good enough for Jake. The two elves hurried around as night fell, getting everything ready. In the morning they woke up with plenty of time to gather some juicy, ripe, berries along with some nuts, to make a delicious breakfast. They watched with some amusement as General Porker got his troops out of their sleeping bags with lots of yelling and shouting and even a few kicks here and there. By Bogwort standards they got up early to begin a hard day's march. It was only about 10:00 am. After being up most of the night playing mean tricks on each other, when they weren’t playing with fire, the Bogworts were slow and grumpy getting up.
You can imagine the Bogwort’s surprise when, as they were throwing the burned chunks of their breakfast into the trees, they saw an elf walking down the path, right into camp. They couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t watching where he was going at all. He was just bent over picking up every piece of trash he came to. When the Bogworts grabbed Jake, before they could even ask him, he blurted out, “I won’t tell you, no matter what you do!”
“Won’t tell us what?” demanded General Porker, swaggering up to interrogate the prisoner. The Bogworts didn’t capture many elves, so this was a big event. An event perhaps even bigger than beating General Pudding in the race.
“I won’t tell you how I change trash to gold. Nope, not ever, you big ugly Bogwort,” was Jake’s reply. “My dad told me not to tell anyone how we got so rich. I’m just supposed to get as much trash as I can carry, turn it into gold, and come right back.”
Of course this got General Porker’s undivided attention. In the mind of any Bogwort, a rich Bogwort was a happy Bogwort. The only trouble was, every Bogwort thought that applied only to those richer than themselves. General Porker was pretty well off, especially compared to the Bogwort grunts who had to march where he told them. He was sure, however, that if he had more gold, food, clothes, gold, houses, and especially gold, he would be much happier. “I’ll tell you what, little elf,” said General Porker in his most threatening tone, “If you tell me how to turn trash to gold you’ll get to go home for dinner. If you don’t tell me, you will be dinner.” Several of the fatter Bogworts in the area laughed and patted their stomachs, leaving no doubt what the General meant.
Jake gave a big gulp and said, with a little quiver in his voice, “OK, I’ll tell you, but only if you promise to let me go right away.”
“Of course, little elf, “said the General with a great show of sincerity, “If you show me how to turn trash into gold I will let you go.”
Jake looked at the Bogwort lying to him and thought, “you must think I’m just plain stupid, you greedy old goat.” Of course he didn’t say that out loud. Instead, he said, “First, we’ll need a big box to put the trash in.” He made a show of turning around, looking at the campsite. “This big box right here should work. Of course we could just use my pack, like I was going to do, but you guys are so much bigger and stronger than me you could carry much more gold.
“Yes, more gold is good,” said General Porker nodding his head like a dashboard dog on a spring.
“OK, great,” said Jake as he went over to the chest that the Bogworts had put the magic fern flowers in.
Before I go on much further, I should explain just a little bit more about elf magic. Elves can do lots of things that bigger and slower creatures like Bogworts and people just can’t do. These things are like running along tree branches, moving through the woods as quietly as a summer breeze, and talking to trees. When they really wanted to concentrate on their magic, they could do things like tying knots in rope that would untie only when they wanted it to. They could use their magic to start a small fire to cook a hot meal on, even when it had been raining for two weeks. I’m not sure if it was elf magic or the magic that comes from lots of practice, or both, that let Julie shoot an arrow into a target the size of an acorn three hundred yards away. But even with all of this, there was no elf magic that had anything at all to do with gold. The only way an elf or anyone else could turn trash to gold was to recycle it. Jake knew that. Julie knew that. Anyone who’s taken a science class knows that. Greedy Bogwort generals always wanted to believe there were ways to get gold without work though.
Jake knew the trickiest part of the plan was coming up. He’d have to be really careful here. He walked up to the chest and threw open the lid. There were the fern flowers. They were beautiful, even there hidden inside a box. He scooped them out and tossed them to the side. “Let’s get rid of these weeds to make room for the gold,” he said. The General was so intent on gold he didn’t even remember that he had wanted to save the fern flowers. The flowers lay over next to a tree, out of the way, where Jake had casually tossed them.
Before any of the Bogworts could notice what was in the chest, underneath the fern flowers, Jake started laying the trash from his pack into the chest. It didn’t take long before he had a deep layer of assorted papers, wrappers, empty cigarette boxes, and other junk filling up the chest. With the chest still open he pulled an impressive square object out of his pocket. It was covered with shiny stones and mysterious writing. Julie had a lot of fun writing on it and finding just the right things to stick on an empty box of Junior Mints that a Bogwort had thrown on the ground. In the middle of the box was a pointer that pointed at numbers from five down to zero. Right now it was pointed at the two.
“Here you go, your Bogginess,” said Jake as he handed the box to General Porker, “To learn how to turn the trash to gold, you’ll have to be the one to do the magic spell.” Jake then went over to the chest and bent down to shut the top. Before he shut it though, he reached in, while no one could see inside, and turned over the papers he had put inside. On the back of each of the pieces of paper and trash was a shiny layer of gold. During the evening before, Jake and Julie had done three things to get ready. The first was to make the magic looking square to give to the Bogworts. The second thing was to take a gold coin they picked out of a Bogwort’s pocket, and pound it into a very, very thin sheet of gold. Then they put a layer of gold on one side of each piece of trash in Jake’s pack.
Now that the trash was turned over, it looked like a big pile of gold inside the chest. This was where the third thing Jake and Julie had done came into the picture. Under the fern flowers, inside the chest, they had put a whole bunch of heavy rocks. Now the chest was so heavy it was almost impossible to move, just like if it was filled with gold. Jake closed the top of the chest and turned back to the General, “I don’t suppose you can read elf magic writing, can you?” he asked in a perfectly innocent tone.
“Um, I’m sure I could remember with some practice,” stammered the General, “It’s been a while since I’ve done it.”
Jake nodded his head with a serious frown on his face. “Yeah,” he thought, “it must have been a while since you’ve read something that doesn’t exist.” He went on out loud, “I’m sure when I go over it with you a couple of times it will come back to you.” With that he recited a “magic spell” he’d made up with Julie the night before:
“I’may a igpay and very atfay
Oh wha tago siam”
“Be sure to jump on one foot, turn around, and hold up the magic square when you say the magic words and POOF, the trash will be gold,” said Jake with some excitement to his voice. Jake went over the ‘spell’ with the Bogwort several times, until they were both satisfied. General Porker was satisfied he could recite it. Jake was satisfied that the General was so stupid that the plan should go off without a problem.
Now it was time for the General to do the magic. He looked a little like a particularly ugly and fat goat as he jumped around on one foot. The other Bogworts were very impressed that the General could perform such a complex feat of physical prowess. The general was disappointed that there wasn’t a flash of light when he got done, but the disappointment disappeared when Jake opened the chest. “Whoa,” he said in wonder as he looked down at the stack of gold.
Before he had a chance to reach for it Jake whispered in his ear, “You might want to wait until you have the chest safe and sound back at your house before you wave any of that gold around. You can’t be too sure of things. I’ll bet a lot of these guys would be tempted to do something rash to get that much gold.”
“Who cares,” said the General, who nevertheless didn’t grab any of the gold sheets. “I can always just make more and more.”
“Well not exactly,” said Jake with a little disappointment in his voice, “You need to turn that little pointer back to one now. That means you only get one more chance before the magic in the square is all used up.”
“Hmmm,” pondered the General, “That means I’ll have to get lots of trash in a box before I do it again, huh?”
Jake nodded back in great respect for that evidence of deep thinking on the General’s part. “Back the way you came I’d guess you could get about a hundred tons of trash to turn to gold if you could convince your troops to pick it up for you,” he said. “Of course I don’t think they’d want to pick it up for someone else. My father could only make me do it by not letting me play video games until I brought home all the gold I could carry. Now I won’t get to play at all when I get home.” Jake knew that Bogwort kids didn’t want anything more in life than video games. Personally he couldn’t care less. How could you compare a video game to playing tricks on Bogworts.
“What makes you think you’re going home you stupid elf?” yelled General Porker. “You’ll stay with me until I get that next batch of gold. Then maybe we’ll think about letting you go.”
Bogworts weren’t renowned for their honesty so Jake didn’t hold out a lot of hope for that. Jake didn’t want to be around when General Porker found out how fooled he had been. Well, the General didn’t waste much time getting his troops lined up and ready to go. “Now you all listen up real good!!” he yelled, “Any Bogwort who doesn’t fill up his pack with trash on the way back to home will get only vegetables and tofu to eat for the next two weeks.” There wasn’t much worse he could threaten them with, and apparently that worked. They hadn’t gone ten feet before the forest was being picked clean of all trash, glass, and junk that had been scattered by the Bogworts. The ones looking for trash didn’t have to worry about being left behind. It took ten big Bogworts to lift the chest and they could only go about as fast as a snail over lettuce.
The only trick now was for Jake to make his getaway. His hands had been tied behind his back and four Bogworts marched around him in a square. “Here we go,” he thought as he walked under a particularly big oak tree. He stretched his hands out behind him. Moments later he heard the whistle of one of Julie’s arrows part the rope between his wrists. Of course the arrow had a rope tied to the end, and Jake wasted no time scampering up the rope into the branches above.
The Bogwort guards tried to climb up the rope behind him. This was more an indication of the trouble they thought they’d get in for losing him than any particular bravery on their parts. Julie had a good laugh for a few moments watching them trying to haul their bulk up the thin rope. One of the Bogworts on the ground threw a spear at them and that stopped the laughing for a moment. Of course the two elves managed to not be where the spear was. At least not at the same time the spear was there. Elves are pretty careful about things like that. Anyway Julie decided enough was enough and she gave a whistle and pulled the rope right out of the hands of the Bogworts trying to climb it. The Bogworts ended up in a pile on the ground under Jake and Julie’s branch. To be polite the two elves bowed in their most courtly manner and then jumped up into the higher branches. The Bogworts completely lost them from view in seconds.
The Bogwort guards figured they’d be better off if they waited until later to tell General Porker. Maybe it was because of that, the whole Bogwort army kept right on going until they were back to their home. Jake and Julie hurried back to the site of the Bogwort camp and scooped up the fern flowers.
They were starting to wilt as Julie carried them, running as fast as she could, back to the elf village. It had taken them the better part of a day to track the Bogworts to their camp the day before. Julie hoped that they could get back to their village faster than that. The flowers were starting to wilt when the two elves had scooped them gently up off the ground, and even as they ran along Julie could see them fading.
“The village elders will be able to think of something,” panted Jake as they ran down a trail, “they have to, or the elf magic will be gone!”
“I can’t run any faster,” replied Julie, “I don’t think we’ll be able to get back before the flowers are completely gone!”
It was approaching dusk when two tired and dejected elves trudged into the elf village. The fern flowers had completely wilted away. After the flowers were gone, the entire fern plants had turned to dust and blown away. Jake and Julie had stopped running but they seemed more tired than ever. Here it was, their first adventure, and they had failed. It would have been difficult to find two elves in the whole world who felt more sad and useless than Jake and Julie did.
The village elders were grouped around the place where the fern flowers had grown, just like when Jake and Julie had headed off after the Bogworts. One of them came over to greet the two elves as they came into the central clearing. “The funniest thing just happened,” he said, “A whole army of Bogworts came through just a while ago. They weren’t wrecking anything at all. In fact they picked up every piece of trash in the whole area and went back to their bog.”
Julie looked at Jake and a smile touched her face, “I guess that our plan wasn’t a total failure,” she said, “But we couldn’t bring back the fern flowers.”
“We managed to get them away from the Bogworts,” explained Jake, “But the fern flowers wilted away before we could get back. I guess our elf magic is gone for good.”
“I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say that,” replied the elder. “Look up there,” he said, pointing to a bunch of elf children skipping along a single strand of rope strung over a stream next to the village. “I don’t think I’d try anything like that without elf magic.” Just then one of the girls swung around the rope and up to a tree to go running along a low branch that would have had trouble holding a squirrel.
“But how can there be elf magic without the fern flowers?” stammered Julie. “We saw them dry up and blow away!”
“You’re assuming too many things,” replied the village elder with a smile, “First, just because you can’t see the fern flowers, don’t assume they aren’t there. Second, come on over here and take a look.” He led the way to the circle with the other elders.
As the circle opened to let them in to take a look, Jake let out a low gasp. There, where they had always been, was a stunning bunch of fern flowers. They looked more beautiful and radiant than ever. “Someday we may give away our magic, but a bunch of Bogworts can’t just come along and take it. Elf magic just doesn’t work like that.” The elders looked at Jake and Julie with more than a little pride. “You managed to have our forest cleaner than it’s been since the first Bogwort set foot in it,” one of the elders said. “And best of all you got the Bogworts to do the cleaning themselves. I’d say this calls for a celebration.” The other elders nodded in agreement. “We’ve been saving this for you since the Bogworts cleaned up everything,” went on the elder. He stooped down and picked up a basket from behind the fern flowers. “We figured that since you two were the only elves missing, you must have something to do with them behaving in such an un-Bogwort-like manner. So we all collected these to celebrate your return.”
Jake and Julie didn’t realize the reputation they had, until they looked in the basket. Inside were more plump and juicy raspberries than Jake had ever seen in one place at a time. Julie smiled and took a handful to start the party. “Here’s to Bogwort gold,” she said.
Jake didn’t even answer. He was too busy munching on berries.

“Hmmm,” thought Ella, “so we really need a way to get whoever trashed the playground to clean it up themselves.”
“But we don’t know who they are,” protested Aaron, “We don’t have a trash trail to follow.”
“Did you see someone throwing trash at the playground?” asked Ashton, who was too young to worry about Jake and Julie wandering around the schoolyard at night.
“Yes,” answered Julie, who as a matter of fact did see pretty much everything that went on most anywhere. “They said the party was so much fun they would come back tonight. They were driving lots of shiny cars. There were a bunch of them.”
Jake and Julie were looking through the grapevine at Ella with an expectant look. She thought about the story and gold and trash and what people driving shiny cars might think was important.
“I have an idea,” Ella said. She pulled the house key her mom made her keep on a lanyard around her neck. “This is what keys look like.”

The next morning, early, Doug walked over to the playground. There were a bunch of older teenagers kicking over pizza boxes and trash like they were looking for something. Doug headed to the edge of the yard and looked under a sprinkler cap. Just where Ella had told him to look he saw a whole bunch of shiny keys. How she knew they would be there he had no idea, but there they were.
“Excuse me,” Doug yelled over to the teenagers. When they gathered round he told them, “I’ll just bet if you clean up all this trash you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for.” Doug was a real expert at the innocent but “knowing” look. He sat down on the end of a slide and watched the group pick up every last bit of trash and put it in the bin near the school. Then he suggested they look under the sprinkler cap.
Later, while he was pushing the three kids, and their younger sister Livia, on the swings, he asked Ella how she knew where the keys would be.
“It’s just Elf magic,” she answered. Doug just had to wonder.

© Roy E. Moxley 2011 All rights reserved